Valentine's Day Expectations (and what they reveal about marriage)

Two months into our marriage my husband and I celebrated our first Valentine's Day together. He bought me a plunger. Now if that doesn't say something about the difference between the expectations of men and women on Valentine's Day (and when it comes to marriage) nothing will.

The tenth Valentine's Day we celebrated as a married couple, my husband bought me flowers, a nice card with an even nicer message hand-written inside, and (very important) a box of fine chocolates from a local chocolatier. I think you'll agree that we've come quite a ways in ten years.

The reason for that is quite simple really. I've gotten much better at communicating my expectations and he has gotten much better at hearing those communications.

Everyone talks about the importance of understanding and communicating your expectations before you get married. You are warned to talk about: how many kids you want, whether your squeeze or roll your toothpaste, religious beliefs, keeping your house warm or cool, and how you like to spend your vacations. But what about after you are married? Expectations are not problem then, right?

Wrong. What about those daily expectations? The I thought you'd get the oil changed in the car, the I thought dinner would be waiting on the table, or the I thought you'd know that every civilized person expects flowers and chocolate on Valentine's Day expectations.

Five, ten, fifteen, twenty years into your marriage you should know each other's expectations for number of children and what to do on an evening out, for which movie to rent and which family member to avoid at holidays. But the daily expectations may still be causing some conflict.

When you've had a bad day at work and you expect your spouse to know the best way to act. When you've gotten a mean call from family or friend and you need your spouse to say the right thing. When you are disappointed, when you are discouraged, when the whole world seems to be working against you or your kids are disrespectful – you expect your spouse to react a certain way and when they don't it can often cause conflict.

I remember a few years back when I was under a fast-approaching deadline for a screenplay and I spend nine hours away from the house writing my poor little fingers to nubs and had left the kids with my husband all day. I was worn out and ready to just relax with my family and expected my husband to have dinner waiting for me. He had spent all day wrangling the kids and expected, after my leisurely day out, to have me take care of dinner. We were tired, we were hungry, and we were cranky. Is it any surprise that a conflict resulted from our differing expectations for that evening?

Expectations can cause conflict in a marriage at any point. Fortunately, when that time comes it is a simple fix. Communicate your expectations (preferably ahead of time), listen to your spouse's expectations, be gracious and flexible, and modify your expectations and your actions to show love to your spouse. If both marriage partners do these things, daily expectations can become a source of greater understanding of each other instead of a source of conflict.

And this Valentine's Day – don't expect anything better than a toilet plunger and don't give anything less than flowers and chocolates (and a sweetly worded card!)

*This is an article I wrote for a newsletter. Just wanted to share it with you all as well!!*